I don’t usually have any embarrassment about what I’m reading in public. One notable exception was when I realized that I was reading The Position while in the waiting room at a pediatrician’s office. Oops. Fortunately all the patients were too young to read (or were too enthralled with Sponge Bob).
Since I started reading it, I’ve been quietly tucking One Perfect Day away in certain company and deftly hiding the title when on the subway. I carry it back cover out as I walk down the street.
I feel so guilty about hating weddings.
No one wants to be that asshole who rains on someone’s parade. And not just any parade – a wedding is the biggest ticker-tape, socially acceptable, self-congratulatory parade we have in our society. No other event (except perhaps the birth of a child) holds so much sway over everyone.
Hating weddings is like hating baseball, babies, apple pie or the Bush Administration. Admit it and you’re sure to be on a list of dissenters somewhere. You’re considered the worst kind of anti-American. You’re dangerous and must be stopped.
I’m in two weddings this summer which brings the entire process way too close for comfort. My heart races and I feel claustrophobic in David’s Bridal (somewhere I hope never to go again); I pace like a caged animal, becoming increasingly white blind by all the tulle and chiffon. I fidget in the bridal shop, laughing too loud at my inane jokes about my lack of femininity, which the proprietor finds decidedly unfunny.
It took me several months to figure out that it’s not my lack of girliness that’s the problem (though it does add another dimension to the whole fiasco). I spent so many hours worrying, pondering, and wondering why I didn’t fit in that you’d think I was thirteen again. In the end of I figured out at least one thing – the problem is not that I’m not a girl. It’s that I’m not a bride. And never want to be one.
Don’t be fooled, a bride is not just a girl in a pretty white dress. She’s a creature all her own, created in our own image to act and behave the way we expect her to.
Thankfully One Perfect Day is the perfect antidote to the unavoidable wedding syndrome. It examines the oftentimes diabolical, always shrewd and sometimes genius wedding industry, which is responsible for creating this bride creature that make some of us cringe. And the author Mead, holds no punches about what American weddings say about America (suffice to say it’s not good).
That this book elicites a certain defensiveness is no surprise. How dare anyone criticize one of the most sacred icons of our country? But Mead strikes a good balance between exposing the yellow underbelly of the wedding industry without blaming or poking fun at what she obviously considers the hapless and victimized brides (a point sorely missed by the defensive and no doubt otherwise intelligent reviewer Jodi Kantor see article here). That most people don’t enjoy their own weddings is a fact not lost no Mead.
Take for instance one of the most idolized ‘traditions’ of weddings – the diamond engagement ring. It’s become so commonplace it seems historical but it’s absolutely not. The prevalence of diamond rings is solely the marketing genius of the DeBeers company (circa the 1930’s). A Diamond is Forever. Maybe it is, but it wasn’t always.
Or another sanctified wedding tradition, the Apache wedding prayer (because plain old WASPY traditions aren’t enough for today’s weddings, despite the fact that practically none of us are American Indians). If you’ve never heard it (which probably means you’ve never been to any wedding before read it here). It’s not Apache, or Navajo. It’s from a movie made in the 1950’s called Broken Arrow (starring Jimmy Stewart) based on a book called Blood Brothers.
To use an appropriate metaphor, this book rips off the luxurious wedding dress (‘custom made’ exclusively for the bride on a factory floor in Taiwan, hand beaded by a worker paid 40 cents a day), and only to show the bride in her skivvies (though if this metaphor were more accurate, those skivvies would be worth hundreds of dollars, down to the obsolete and non functional garter). The truth about American weddings is pretty embarrassing, though they are inarguably just plain pretty. What American weddings say about America is what the rest of world already knows – that we are style without substance. We sacrifice integrity for appearances.
Thank you Ms. Mead, for assuaging my guilt and giving me badly needed validation.
I do despair that Mead will not find her audience (there are likely few of us). However, I really appreciate that Barnes and Noble puts this book on a shelf in the wedding section.
Because everyone should read this book.
******
An unfortunate side effect of despising weddings is that you latch on to anyone, anyone who shares your opinion. Thankfully not everyone is so quiet about it. Even famous authors are willing to admit it in public read Meg Cabot’s article here.
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May 24, 2007 at 2:10 am
wedding portraits
You’re the only person I know who hates weddings. Almost all girls love talking about their dream wedding. Most girls want to plan their own wedding rather than hiring a wedding planner. Why do you hate weddings? My sister is a psychologist and she said that when someone hates something it’s either that person experienced a similar yet traumatic event or have seen other people who is suffering from that event. I have a friend who doesn’t want to attend a wedding ceremony because it makes him tremble once the exchange of vows is going on. This is because her boyfriend walked out of the church during their wedding right at the time when they were supposed to exchange marriage vows.
May 24, 2007 at 7:33 am
jessl
Thanks so much for proving my point! Most people cannot understand not liking weddings! Everyone says they like weddings. I actually know quite a few people who truly dislike them (even their own!!!). I think that most people find weddings (minimally) to be a very stressful emotionally charged time. (how often have you heard the phrase “I wish we’d eloped”???)
I find that if you admit to others that you don’t like them either, their own revelations and reservations spill out from there. More people than you think don’t like them. And more women that you’d think don’t spend their whole lives dreaming about them. It’s just that it’s considered abnormal to admit it, so people don’t.
For me personally I didn’t suffer any traumatic event. I’ve been in a stable, loving relationship for 6 years. We have committed to each other but not in a legal sense. We have created a home together and we are planning our future and our family together. We do not plan on getting married, because neither of us likes the idea of it (that’s a whole other post! 🙂 ) and we certainly don’t plan on having a wedding regardless.
I find many things about weddings uncomfortable. Firstly many of the traditions are based on practices that are opressive to women. For instance, the father bringing the daughter down the aisle. “Who gives this woman” says the officiant. This is based on the practices of essentially the sale of daughters centuries ago. If we add “Her mother and I” as a response, it makes it no less an indication that the daughter is being handed over from her parents to the man. She’s not allowed to present herself as an equal partner. And dont’ even get me started on the garter and the bouquet throwing! 🙂
Second the current state of weddings (which is what this book is about) creates a situation where people feel entitled to ask for a year and half worth of attention – engagement parties, showers (usually multiple), mountains of gifts, some even ask for money for their honeymoons. It seems excessive and greedy to me, though I don’t think that the individuals are greedy, it’s just that it’s socially acceptable to ask for so much.
I have attended a lot of weddings and no, I don’t find them traumatic. I find them tedious. Though every couple feels that their wedding is a reflection of themselves, they are actually quite boringly similar. As my sister says (she dislikes weddings too, so maybe it’s genetic) just because you say something sincerely it doesn’t mean it’s authentic.
I think that you actually know more people who dislike weddings than you think, they’re just afraid to admit it. That is why I love this book. It makes me feel less guilty and less abnormal.
Thanks for opening the discussion!
May 25, 2007 at 9:53 am
Jesse
I agree with Jess — most women I know are opposed to the wedding concept (even though they aren’t opposed to the marriage concept). My boss recently got married out on a rock in a stream in Arizona (it was just the two of them and the rock) for exactly this reason. They had a beautiful, heartfelt, personal moment of exchanging vows that they will always have to look back on — not a cookie cutter copy of everyone else’s wedding.
The reason why I hate weddings is that I have seen others suffer from them! Either at the actual event or in the planning of them. (Oh, and I’m a male, for whatever that’s worth.)
All of that wedding planning is a good example of what’s wrong with weddings today. I often feel like the wedding industry has tricked the women of America by linking “the happiest day of your life” to this need to spend money and therefore make it perfect.
My best anecdote to illustrate this is a friend’s wedding several years ago. She came from a very musical family — all of them had excellent taste and a huge collection of CDs. One day they were at the table chuckling at the wedding DJ’s horrible set list: lots of “Electric Slide”, etc. I’m a DJ, so I asked them to just rent the equipment and I would play their own CDs at the party for free. They all laughed with sad “Ahh, if only we could” kind of looks. I was incredulous — why can’t you do that? No answer — it’s just not done. If you have a wedding you need to have a wedding DJ or it won’t seem “real.”
Another friend was married last year. His wife’s wedding dress was passed on to her by her mother so it was a little fragile. They brought it to a “wedding dry cleaner” who was glad to clean the dress for $300. Thankfully, my friend balked at this and took it to a regular dry cleaner closer to his house. They did an excellent job for $15.
Now, do the wedding DJ or wedding dry cleaner have special magical love powers? Nope. They have business savvy. Young girls looking for their princess moment will do anything and spare no expense to make it perfect.
Now, like Jess said in her review, I’m not bashing the wedding participants here (though I do sometimes want to knock some sense into them), just a culture and industry that work in concert to bilk people of their dreams.
June 6, 2007 at 10:59 am
Rachael
And yet, what’s wrong with having a party? What’s wrong with occassions that bring the community or friends and family together for food, spirits, and dancing?
I get the point Jesse and Jessica are making that the wedding industry seems to be as out of control as the funeral industry, but that doesn’t mean that because capitalism has infilitrated weddings doesn’t make wedding inherently bad.
Also, I think Wedding Portraits thought you had been traumatized by a wedding because in the post you say you “hate” weddings. In the comment you use the word “dislike.” I feel that the Wedding Portraits commentor made his/her diagnosis because of the use of the word hate.
I hate Lisa Nazar because she traumatized me. I dislike asparagus because it’s not my taste, but it has never betrayed me.
I guess my point can be summed up this way. I dislike most of the funerals I’ve been to. They seem hollow, awkward and weird. However, I feel that family and friends gathering together to symbolically say good bye to a loved one and/or mourne the loss together is a good thing. And so I think it’s great to celebrate love and/or the joining of two families or “We are married so he can stay in this country” with a wedding. However, maybe not all weddings are fun, just like not all funerals are comforting.
***I apologize for the typos, gramatical errors, and spelling mistakes in the above comment.
June 6, 2007 at 11:40 am
Jesse
I actually don’t think weddings are inherently bad. It’s what they’ve become due to the wedding industry that I dislike. In my wedding horror story anecdotes above, I wasn’t arguing that the weddings should have been cancelled, just that they should have been cheaper and more personal. (In other words, have the party, but don’t hire a wedding DJ because he will overcharge you to play music you don’t want to hear.)
I think there is an expectation that a wedding has to follow a certain order, a certain mold, or it won’t be “real.” And that’s just what “they” want you to think!
June 8, 2007 at 8:39 am
Jess
Ok, a quite Merriam Webster definition of Hate “intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury” So ok, I get it you think I’m traumatized and maybe I am. Because I really do hate weddings. I do not merely dislike them. They make me physically uncomfortable. They make me angry. They make me feel guilty.
But we’re talking about American weddings here. Full blown, white taffeta, 8 engagment party, 3 shower, 1 post wedding BBQ, 5 gifts and a week’s worth of vacation days weddings. Which is WAY more than just a party. WAY more than one night or day of fun to celebrate someone’s formal, public committment to each other. WAY more than I think is necessary or even within the bounds of decency.
I recently went to a Hindu wedding of a friend of mine. There were about 30 people there, mostly family with a few select friends. The ceremony wasn’t in English, but I loved it anyway. There was a clear sense of honor and community, an aura of solemness that was resectful and most important – inclusive. Everyone there was all involved in supporting the couple in their new life together. And to boot it was visually fucking gorgeous.
If American weddings were like this, I would support, enjoy and maybe even love (well, let’s be honest, like them). But American weddings (with some exceptions of course) are selfish, exclusive respresentations of the couple’s wealth and standing. They scream US US US rather than the usual American motto of ME ME ME!!!! They are beacons of self centered sense of entitlement that pervades our society.
And they are sickening.
June 11, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Chuck
The thing that bothers me about these overwrought weddings is that they’re the opposite of what they claim to be. They are supposed to be highly romantic, but really, with all the stress, all the constraint, all the showiness, the teeth-grating hyper-attention to detail, and the opportunism of all the vendors involved, they are unromantic–possibly anti-romantic.
I think Jesse is onto something with the idea that it has to be just so to be “real.” That goes on with lots of other social actions. How many people go on stressful, financially draining vacations that they don’t enjoy because it’s not a “real” vacation unless you get on a plane, rent a hotel room, eat at “nice” restaurants every night, etc. etc.?
I also like weddings that focus more on the sacred aspect. I haven’t been to a Hindu wedding, but i’ve been to some Orthodox Christian weddings, and yeah, the service is long, but it’s infused with a lot of meaning, and some beautiful imagery (i esp. like the linked crowns for the couple). And you definitely will not have to listen to somebody sing a tacky pop song. 😉
And the idea of getting suckered into spending so much money is infuriating. I know a man who has a standing offer with his daughter to cut her a check for a few thousand dollars if she’ll elope, rather than get conned out of several thousands for a wedding.
June 12, 2007 at 11:27 am
jessl
Articles galore! Check out slate.com today for their “wedding issue”
My two favorites:
http://www.slate.com/id/2167870/nav/tap1/
http://www.slate.com/id/2167299/nav/tap1/